Tag Archives: guilt

daughter

How my daughter made everything better

As I lay next to my daughter at bed time last night, silently sobbing because of the guilt I felt for yelling at her 30 minutes earlier, I knew something had to change. So today, I focused my energies on her. We spent the whole day together, coloring, making things, watching TV, and having ‘tea’.

daughter

It was a great day that ended with a very sweet night.

She seems to be very pensive at bed time lately. She just lies there, staring at her new princess decals on her wall, deep in thought.

Tonight, we had this conversation:

Emma: “I feel like you.”

Me: “What?”

Emma: “I feel like you.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Emma: “I feel like someone who’s not me.”

Me: “Does it feel good?”

Emma: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, that’s good. And, you know, we are a lot alike. You are a smaller version of me. After all, you lived in my belly for a long time.”

Emma: “So, we’re twins.”

Me: “Yes, kind of. You’re the little twin and I’m the big twin.”

Then Daddy walked in the room to say goodnight and we told him about our conversation.

Here I sit, writing this, still completely floored by my daughter.

 

Taking care of number one?

And who might that be when you’re a stay at home mom with a 2 year old? Well, when mommy is sick and is fortunate enough to have ‘Gappy’ in town, number one is me.

Ugh. Yucky day of feeling crappy, lazing around, napping, barely eating. Usually not at all possible, but rather necessary today. 

It got me thinking about how we are always being told to take care of ourselves and our marriage first so that we are healthy and happy enough to take care of our kids. I can only see that happening when someone else is available to step in. And I can envision it down the road as my darling gets older.  Not on my radar now. That’s for sure. The child is number one. It can’t be helped. Everybody else can fend for themselves. She simply can’t. 

I get the concept. I understand the reasoning. But how does it fit into reality? And what do you do with the guilt when you realize all of the things (and people) you have neglected since you had your child? And then what do you do with the guilt when you do put yourself first and your child seems to need you more than ever?

Are you sensing the theme here? 

Guilt. 

I actually still have a yellow sticky note tucked away in a box somewhere from many years ago. On it, I wrote the word “guilt” in big, bold letters, and then put a big “X” through it. That exercise worked for a long time, but I think I might need to do it again. I am realizing more and more that guilt is a huge part of my thinking. And that just simply needs to stop. 

So, who’s number one? It depends on who you ask and when you ask it. And it doesn’t need to come with a side of guilt.