Tag Archives: memories

sometimes

Sometimes You Just Have To Press Pause

 Sometimes You Just Have To Press Pause

I cried because my daughter at my breakfast. Then I cried when she yelled at me for ruining her picture. And again, I cried for something equally ridiculous. Sure, I knew my period was coming and that always makes me a bit weepy. But this was different. This felt way too familiar. The fear and hopelessness was settling in and I knew we had a problem. Hiding a panic attack from a four-year-old is impossible. So, I called my husband and he came home.

While I waited, sitting on the stairs, crying, I quickly started to cancel everything I had on my calendar for the next few days, all via text. There was no talking to anyone. And when you tell people you’ve had a panic attack, they don’t question you. And you don’t really care if they do. It happened and all you can think about is crawling into bed and shutting the world out. So, that’s what I did.

Of course, when the dust settles, it’s important to think about what brought this about. I know my triggers and some of them were definitely the culprits this time. I had overwhelmed myself with work. My marriage was a wreck. My daughter was sucking the life out of me. I felt like a horrible mother and wife. Your usual stuff.

Except for one thing. Something unusual had happened and I didn’t know until it was too late that it could have ever been a trigger.

In October of last year, I started the process of writing a book. I’m working with a publisher and editor. It is a collaborative effort with a small group of yoga friends and mentors who played a huge part in my journey toward motherhood. They taught me how to manifest my dream of becoming a mother, even at the ripe old age of forty-four. My first draft is due on April first and the release date is November first. The working title is Kula Talk.

Sounds great, right? It has been. What a treat it is to look back over the last ten years of my life and see how far I’ve come and the amazing things I’ve accomplished. When I remember who I was then and see who I am now…mother, wife, writer, artist…the transformation is amazing.

But, what I didn’t realize in doing research into my own past was that I would be reliving it. I’ve read through old journal entries, found old books I read, looked through old pictures, and struggled to remember intimate details, many of which are painful. My path to motherhood was not an easy one and although it all turned out beautifully, the way I got there was physically, emotionally, and mentally draining.

Psychologists talk about theAnniversary Effect’, which, according to Psychology Today, is defined as a unique set of unsettling feelings, thoughts or memories that occur on the anniversary of a significant experience. Now, the actual calendar date of my panic attack holds no significance that I’m aware of, but I strongly feel that the dredging up of past experiences for my book played a large part in my feelings of fear, hopelessness, and anxiety. I felt like I was there again and I was scared. Not a terribly ‘happy’ anniversary.

It’s really no wonder. I’ve been reliving bad relationships, fear of never being a mother, fights with my husband, the pain of fertility shots, pre-natal and postpartum depression, and a few other struggles to finish the long list. I’ve never been one to hold my feelings in and the evidence surrounds me in books, journals, pictures and letters.

Needless to say, I have pressed pause on my book for now. I tried to take a look at it a few days after my incident, but only felt the sadness rising again. The words looked disjointed, the story seemed incongruent. I know that it’s not and it certainly has the strength and merit deserving of a quality book, but to my eyes and heart right now, it doesn’t feel right. And that’s okay. For now.

I know I’ve got a story to tell and I will tell it. It is much too important. And I feel sure that it will touch others in a way that will make my struggle worth it. I’ll be back on track very soon.

sometimes
I wrote this several years back in response to a therapist who told me that I don’t have to identify myself by anxiety and depression. So, I took it a bit further and got really pissed at it.
bubbles

Weekly Photo Challenge: Bubbles!

Weekly Photo Challenge: Bubbles!

This is a cropped photo of the bubbles from my wedding reception. I love how the light reflects off the bubbles, creating pretty pastels. I also like the happy memories it brings. The hand belongs to one of my brothers. He’s on my mind today.

bubbles

home sweet home

TBT: Home Sweet Home

TBT: Home Sweet Home

Since I’m in Charlotte for a few days, I thought I might share some photos from my 19 years here. I lived here from 1987-2006, in nine different houses and apartments. Graduated from college here. Got married and divorced here. Started my public school teaching career here. Bought my very own house here. Made countless friends here. Have very cherished memories here. I still, in some ways, consider it home. There will always be someone here who will take me in for a visit. Nice to know.

home sweet home
Cheering on the Panthers with my best friend, Kim, and sister, Laura.
061
College friend and roommate, Heather.
home sweet home
Beautiful house, bought all on my own. Rented it out for 9 years. Finally sold it this year.
home sweet home
Amazing school colleagues and friends.
home sweet home
My state of the art dance studio at University Park Creative Arts Elementary School, celebrating their 20th anniversary in 2016.
my house

TBT: My House

This is the guest room of my house in Charlotte, NC. It doesn’t look like this anymore. It’s been rented for 9 years and it will be sold in the next couple weeks.

my house

Some thought this decor was way over the top. My best friend even called it “the scary room”. I adored this room of French Toile.

I am still very proud of myself for buying this house all on my own in 2001.  I only lived in it for 5 years, but will always have such fond memories. The best of those memories are definitely the PARTIES! And as scary as that room may have been, my best friend didn’t hesitate to sleep in there when she couldn’t make it home!

This house, even after it changes hands, will remain on my list of life’s big accomplishments. It will forever be a source of pride.

Twenty-twenty six. Thanks for the good times. Glad to have known ya.

my house

product review

Product Review: Project Repat

Project Repat sent a coupon code for my quilt, in exchange for writing a product review.

My bed is a whole lot cozier now with my Project Repat T-shirt quilt. I had t-shirts that go back to high school and college. I couldn’t wear them anymore but there was no way I would get rid of them. They made it so easy for me with clear instructions and lots of suggestions. I was excited to receive it and see all of my special memories in one place.

Product Review
This is a 12×12 lap quilt made with 16 t-shirts.
project repat
These t-shirts date from about 1984 to 2005. You see my dance life, special family events, and my first and last 5K!
product review
My favorite teaching shirt for about 10 years!