Tag Archives: motherhood

Impulse

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago. My outlook is a bit more positive most days. I wanted to share it as my impulse behind this blog. I suppose this blog will be my therapy session.

I am a stay at home mom and I believe I have reached the end of my rope. Things must change in order for my life to feel whole again. I am physically tired. I am mentally drained. I am emotionally thin. I am isolated. I love my daughter more than life itself. She is life. She is bright, funny, clever, strong, beautiful, spirited, and perfect. My shortcomings aren’t because of her. They are a result of my desire to fill her needs, but not caused by her. She is my daughter and she can need or want anything. I want her to know that the world is there for her. There are choices to be made and effective ways to handle things, but it is all there for her. My shortcomings are a result of the fact that no one person can be and do everything. No one person can always be the default. No one person can work from 7am to 9pm, and often more, without eventually wearing out. No one person can consistently feel unsupported, resented, and disrespected without wanting to say, I’m out. No one person can love their child so much and sacrifice so much without eventually becoming emotionally empty. No one person can literally carry a child for two years and not need some rest. No one person can defend herself over and over again without wondering, why does it matter? Haven’t I done enough? No one person can do it all without eventually drowning. So something has to change. And I can’t change it. I have done enough. I have done more than enough. It’s time for someone to take care of me, to open up doors for me, and set my course now. I have nothing left. Really. Nothing. Somebody. Take the helm. We’re drowning.

So, I said to myself, self?

Every day, I am constantly asking myself these kinds of things.

Have I done enough? Do I have the right to relax? Is what I’m doing ok? Should I be doing something else? Do I care? Does anybody else care? Am I effective? Do other people see in me what I see in me? Can I say no? Can I say yes? Is this the best choice? Am I the one who needs to change? When will this feel better? When will I get a real break? Why do I have to explain myself? Am I really being taken advantage of? Will I wake up one morning and feel like myself again?

No damn wonder I am exhausted.