Every once in a while, my external influences tell me to go within. At first, it feels like withdrawing or giving up or some may call it ‘dropping off the face of the earth.’ It can actually be quite a relief, as permission has been granted to do and say close to nothing. Now, with a 2 year old, you certainly can’t drop all the way off. But the process gives you permission to do the very least just to keep everybody alive. Anything beyond that is out of the question.
After the withdrawal phase, things start to feel a bit more pensive or thought provoking. You start to ask questions, deep ones, about the external influence(s) that made you go there. There is so much in the spiritual and organic world about removing toxins (animal, vegetable, and mineral) from your life. Once you realize you simply can’t remove certain toxins, you start to try and figure out what the hell to do with it, or them, or him, or her. YOU are the one who needs to figure it out. No one else. This is YOUR place. And that’s quite liberating too. You think that if those toxins would just get their acts together, things would be so much better. Not gonna happen. But really, changing YOU is a hell of a lot less stressful. It’s an inside job.
Once the thoughts have run through your mind like a sieve and absolutely nothing is figured out, you slowly, ever so slowly, start to come out. Kind of like a turtle. Each time you think the sun might feel good on your face, you retreat once again. Nope, too soon. Maybe you decide to stay within that shell a bit longer.
No matter how long it takes you to start dealing with those exterior influences again, you have learned a great lesson. Withdrawing, pondering, thinking, being quiet, alone, still…to GO WITHIN…is extremely powerful.
Some people can’t do it. If you can do it, do it often.
And don’t you dare apologize for it.