Tag Archives: tired

i still love you

You can scream at me but I still love you

Yes. You can scream at me but I still love you.

This motherhood thing is pretty mind-boggling. Most of the time, I feel like a schizophrenic. One minute, I’m gazing at her lovingly, wondering what I ever did to deserve such a perfect human being in my life. The next minute, she is releasing the most blood curdling scream because I won’t give her a popsicle.  And I’m wondering if there’s any wine in the fridge. It’s only 7 am.

Some days, I find myself making excuses every five minutes…”I’m sorry honey, mommy’s too tired…I really can’t baby, maybe later…not this time, maybe tomorrow…no, sweetheart, we don’t eat candy for breakfast…sorry, she’s probably not home right now…please don’t climb on me; I’m not a tree…”

The energy level of this kid has got to be something for the record books. She never stops. Really. Never.

But here’s the thing. I love this child to no end. Can I imagine my life without her? Not for a second. She couldn’t be more perfect if she tried. No, I don’t spoil my child and I don’t give her whatever she wants. But I do know how full my heart and my life are because of her. I know how long I waited for her to come into my life. I know how truly blessed I am.

So, now and for years to come, yes, dear, you can scream at me all you want.

But I still, and always will, love you.

commitment

Yes, No, Maybe So

sumatriptan succinate 100 mgcommitment

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, no, maybe so?

I’ve come to notice something about myself. At first, it seemed like a phase, maybe a situational thing. But, it is slowly emerging as an extremely annoying characteristic.

I can’t commit to anything.

Since I became a mother, everything I do or am supposed to do is apparently optional. Of course, the things I do for my daughter’s welfare are mandatory, but beyond that, anything (or nothing) goes.

Maybe I’ve tried to do too much. I say yes a lot. Maybe I feel isolated as a stay at home mother and want to get out and do things. Maybe being a mother isn’t enough and I have to do more…be more. I really want to do everything. I want to have fun. But life gets in the way. And dammit, I’M TIRED!

Whatever it is, I obviously need to reign it in, figure it out, set my priorities, and chill.

This mostly pertains to social outings, thankfully. I certainly don’t make a habit of screwing people over when it comes to things that really need to be done. And if you’re paying me, I’m your girl!

Just a warning. If I say yes to a party, I will probably decide that I’m too tired to go. If I say that we should meet for lunch, I might just back out with a migraine. If I get excited about a girls night out, chances are my daughter will completely wear me out that day and I will be in bed at 8:30.

Thank goodness online invitations like Facebook and Evite have three RSVP choices:

Yes, No, Maybe.

My standard answer will now be “maybe” until I see what life brings. If it turns into a “yes”, good for me. If it’s a “no”, I’m OK with that and I hope you are too.

My good friend let me off a big hook the other day when she said, “I’m the kind of friend you can change plans with in the last minute. I’m totally OK with that.”

I love her.

 

Impulse

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago. My outlook is a bit more positive most days. I wanted to share it as my impulse behind this blog. I suppose this blog will be my therapy session.

I am a stay at home mom and I believe I have reached the end of my rope. Things must change in order for my life to feel whole again. I am physically tired. I am mentally drained. I am emotionally thin. I am isolated. I love my daughter more than life itself. She is life. She is bright, funny, clever, strong, beautiful, spirited, and perfect. My shortcomings aren’t because of her. They are a result of my desire to fill her needs, but not caused by her. She is my daughter and she can need or want anything. I want her to know that the world is there for her. There are choices to be made and effective ways to handle things, but it is all there for her. My shortcomings are a result of the fact that no one person can be and do everything. No one person can always be the default. No one person can work from 7am to 9pm, and often more, without eventually wearing out. No one person can consistently feel unsupported, resented, and disrespected without wanting to say, I’m out. No one person can love their child so much and sacrifice so much without eventually becoming emotionally empty. No one person can literally carry a child for two years and not need some rest. No one person can defend herself over and over again without wondering, why does it matter? Haven’t I done enough? No one person can do it all without eventually drowning. So something has to change. And I can’t change it. I have done enough. I have done more than enough. It’s time for someone to take care of me, to open up doors for me, and set my course now. I have nothing left. Really. Nothing. Somebody. Take the helm. We’re drowning.