Tag Archives: motherhood


Motherhood to Menopause

When going from motherhood to menopause, one might experience a few life-changing adjustments. And not only did I go quickly from motherhood to menopause within a few short years, but I became a mother with the use of IVF hormone treatments, so put that in the mix, and stand back!

I became a mother for the first and last time at the age of 44 using IVF with a donor egg.  All sorts of things happened to my body before, during, and after pregnancy, motherhood-to-menopause, even almost seven years later, are still wreaking havoc:

  • anxiety/depression
  • Placenta Previa
  • Postpartum Depression
  • severe anemia (lost half of my blood volume following my C-section)
  • weight loss (lost 30 pounds immediately following birth…it was mostly fluid)
  • weight gain
  • abnormal/heavy periods
  • hot flashes
  • night sweats
  • irritability/mood swings

I was intrigued to find out about the tampon box. At least I can get a little help with one of my problems. My periods come when they feel like it and they are awful. Sometimes two to three times a month, sometimes not for two months. So, really, I’m probably somewhere between Perimenopause and Menopause. I find myself wishing for menopause, but want to be very careful about what I wish for. In any case, having this box would be nice.

Despite all of the physical, emotional, and mental turmoil of becoming a mother so late in life, none of it compares to the love I feel for my sweet girl. She is everything to me.


Its not you, its me

It’s not you, it’s me…

Its not you, its meEvery single media outlet, in my opinion, is inundated with workout and diet plans. And it is getting on my last freaking nerve.

Don’t get me wrong. Like I said, it’s not you, it’s me. In some ways, I am in the worst shape of my life. I try to be a healthy eater and I’m sure that I am better than most people. Yoga is just about my only official “workout”.  All other activity comes from being the mother of a 2 year old. Nuff said.

There are so many things I have considered (and well meaning people have suggested) to get back into shape. Ride your bike, count your calories, swim laps, cut out Starbucks, try one of those detox/weight loss plans, avoid carbs and gluten, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah.

It all sounds wonderful, especially the swimming and the bike riding. I know it would feel good. I know it would put me back in better shape. I know I would feel better every day. And by the way, don’t ever ask me to give up Starbucks or wine. I might just have to hurt you.

Here’s the deal. I am a 47 year old stay at home mother of a 2 (almost 3) year old. I have been in survival mode since the day she was born. Until I graduate from survival on to motherhood, which isn’t all that different, I refuse to be inundated with this crap.

So, let me apologize right now if I start to ignore those who are obsessed with workouts and weight loss. It does not serve me. It makes me feel bad about myself. It really just pisses me off.

But please, please remember…

It’s not you. It’s me.

its not you, its me

Every once in awhile…

every once in awhile

…I lose my sh#t and not afraid to admit it. Motherhood is impossible at times. When your child seems to have been taken over by the devil, what do you do? The devil’s a pretty tough dude. I find myself saying things like, “Really?” and “Are you kidding me right now?” and “Sure, go ahead and eat the whole damn bag of M&M’s… I don’t care!!” If I’m lucky, those things are said under my breath and not within ear shot of my toddler. Sometimes, I’m not so lucky, and of course, I hear my words repeated at a later date.

I am an emotional, passionate, ‘wear my heart on my sleeve’ kind of person. I don’t keep things in. I never have. And I certainly didn’t change when I became a mom. In fact, all of those traits are magnified. I am incapable of keeping my cool when the world around me seems to be a scene from The Twilight Zone. I just can’t do it.

Apparently, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. My daughter is not even three and I already know that I am doomed for the rest of my life.

I also know that my behavior when things get tough is going to be directly reflected in my daughter’s behavior. I know all of the psychological mumbo-jumbo that could fully explain the results of our difficult encounters.

This is one of those days that I just don’t care. Every once in awhile, I lose my sh#t and I am NOT afraid to tell the world.

I bet I’m not the only one.

I have endured a myriad of medical experiences over the last two years, since the birth of my child. This includes the work of orthopedists, chiropractors, physical therapists, massage therapists, hand surgeons, gynecologists, primary care physicians, and more, which can’t possibly be recalled. I’ve been through these procedures, tests, surgeries, etc. in order to answer one simple question: Why do I feel like total crap every day?

I won’t dare bore you with the gory details of my pain. All you need to know is that simply functioning on a daily basis has been incredibly difficult. I could probably count on one hand the days in the past 2 years that I was completely free of pain.

What’s blowing my mind after all this time, money, medical advice, diagnoses, prognoses, frustration, continuing pain, tears, and questions is this:

Every last one of these medical professionals has given me the same answer. What was the question again, you ask? I understand. I can’t remember anything either. 

Why do I feel like total crap every day?

Answer: Motherhood. 

I give up.